Jeremy Reaches Out to Sacre Bleu Wine, Again.

I kinda feel like I owe you an explanation. A few weeks ago I felt inclined to write you a letter that was, at least in part, pretty nasty and ripped on you wine folk a bit. Yeah, I still think the worst of you are a pretentious lot, but more than anything I was raging against an ideal or something from my past that wine embodies. And what could have turned me against your people if it wasn't the wine itself, you ask? The same reason that any man becomes jaded about anything: a woman....

I have to back up. A few years ago I dated this girl. She had the qualities that most guys like; she was smart and beautiful and had a wonderfully quirky sense of humor, nice breasts. But she also had a sort of rich soccer mom attitude about her, without having money or the soccer. Hell, she wasn't even a mom. We got along great nonetheless; so much so that we ended up getting engaged.

It was even a great "how did you guys get engaged" story too. We had taken a trip to the Bahamas and one night I had planned a real romantic dinner. It was a great meal at a fancier restaurant and we had wine with dinner. I remember it specifically because this was the first time I had ordered wine at a restaurant and needed help choosing it. I never did need help with beer.

After dinner I'm feeling pretty good. We were walking and talking along the beach near the resort. I was nervous as all get out and tired of carrying the ring around in my pocket plus I really wanted to nail her. There was an area where this rope bridge connected two parts of land separated by a cove of fish and little sharks and whatnot. We got to the middle of the bridge and I stopped her. I got on one knee and fumbled around for the ring. While I was taking it out of my pocket, I nervously dropped the ring box on the lathing of the bridge. I started freaking out because it was in danger of falling into the shark infested water below and I'm no crocodile hunter. So there I am, on my hands and knees, in the dark, trying to grab this ring while this flimsy bridge is starting to sway back and forth. She doesn't have a clue what the hell is going on and turns and starts laughing, asking what the hell I'm doing writhing around on the ground. I told her I dropped something so SHE gets on her hands and knees, in a dress, helping me look for something that she has no idea of. I finally grab the box. I breath a sigh of relief and just sit there as she is on her knees sitting on her heals, confused. She was always hot to me when she was confused and asks what the hell is going on. Exasperated, I hold up the box. "I got you something before we left," I said.

Her reaction was that of any woman in that situation. She was turned on. She still thought I was joking and slapped my arm and said "Shut up." Shit, I dropped the ring again. I am getting annoyed because this isn't turning out like I had planned. "No, listen; seriously. I got this for you before we left and I opened the box. She finally realizes what is happening and breaks down and starts crying. She takes the ring, says yes, and the rest of the night I look like Tom Brady at a Victoria's Secret shoot.

We broke up nine months later. I found out she was strange. That was six years ago.

Every six months or so she calls me to see how things are going, probably hoping for a way back in. There is always some kind of catch or hook to get me to meet up with her. One time it was to ask if I wanted a blender. Just recently it was to see if I wanted a cat she found from the shelter (she is an avid animal lover). She thought it was the perfect companion for my cat. Even if it was old and blind. The following is the disclaimer she used to sell it to me: "Don't worry, it won't run into walls or anything". This one was crazy as a loon. Can't imagine why we didn't make it…

Anyway, back to you guys. During the conversation where she tried to give me a near dead, blind cat, she asked if I drank wine any more than I used to. I said no. She informed me that she still does and mentioned that she went out recently with some girlfriends and found a wine brand that she thought I'd like because it was different than the wines I'd drank in the past and something she thought I might like. Yeah, yeah get to the point. What kind? Wouldn't you know it - Sacre Bleu. I didn't give it a second thought until I stumbled on to your wine from the Monopoly man a few weeks back. Between my apparent distaste for you winos to be, and the forceful remembrance of the crazy cat lady, I just kind of snapped. I still feel kind of unhinged. That doesn't change my thoughts from my first letter; this just explains it a bit more. I wanted to explain.

I still have the wine I got last month and have no immediate plans on trying it any time soon. If I did, there would have to be a damn good reason for it. You've got a lot of history to overcome. I'll let you know.

Whatever,
Jeremy